its me again, if this is flooding im sorry but i really feel like shit

i truly believe im not meant to be happy at this point, it has never been something in the table for me

i want to be sick, i want to get hurt, i want to be pitied and comforted, i want the people i know to read this, i want there to be no way back

everything ive done has lead to this, my insecurity has lead me here. i dont talk to people from school anymore, i just got my degree today and i fear that is whats going to happen with my university friends now. i want to close all my accounts and leave every single one of the people i know behind. wondering if i died, if the little pest finally decided to end it all

i feel so whiny, i dont deserve to be typing this, i dont deserve anything i have. i deserve to be dead, id be better off like that. im so tired of pretending im not scared of every single message i get. that the next notification i get will be someone telling me im blocked now and to never talk to them again. my head hurts from it, i hate thinking so negatively from people who havent done anything but good to me. i feel ungrateful. its miserable.

my body feels heavy, im going to try and sleep.