i made plans to kms at the end of alevels. my mental health was just screwed to shit, constantly paranoid about people after years of being told about what people said before my back, almost being raped by a guy, failing grades and other shit. got to where i felt i had literally no one in my life except people on line (even tho i did have a few friends irl), who eventually ended up grooming me and making me feel even worse. decided that i was gonna overdose and that for my last year id do as much stuff for myself as i could. i finished games and shows that id lost all energy for, tried almost every drug on darkweb markets and tried spending more time with my family until i ended up getting a gf. for once in my life i sort of felt like someone truly cared about me, and there was someone i could spent time with and i cancelled my plans to die. but she was actually really horrible, practically no one else in school liked her and it turned out there was good reason. she became extremely self centered and rude about anything. she treated me really horribly to the point i had people ive never spoken to before coming up to ask if i was doing okay, but i just felt like i couldn't leave because i would be breaking a promise to her and it would make me a bad person, and i convinced myself that it was fine, that i was loved due to the occasional display of affection. affection started coming less and less frequently no matter what i did to try support her or show i still cared, she said so much horrible stuff about me and eventually i gave up and realised i was being an idiot. break up was mostly fine. but now im at a job that i hate, i cant take any drugs cuz im terrified of being random tested and then id be fired and disowned by my parents, my friends are becoming annoying assholes (they were always kinda annoying but i helped me blend in and hide at school cuz no one would be focused on me, i just learn to ignore it) and i know that i have no chance at making new ones. its like ive gone in a circle except now I've also lost basically everything that i used to convince myself i should stay alive for, theres nothing i even remotely want to live to see or do in future. i wish i hadnt been such a fucking idiot in school and just went ahead with my original plan